Babalu - Episode 107: Pause

Opening: The following series addresses sensitive topics,

including self harm and suicide. Listener discretion is advised.

Opening: Uneasy Tiger.

Luisa: It felt strange, like I was talking to some alien who

just took over her body, not my aunt. It's just so not like her

to talk so defeatedly. She always had this, like, there's

no problem too big outlook on life. So to see her so quiet and

and almost frail.

Margaret: Sounds like she's been a source of stability and

strength for you. So naturally, it's gonna be difficult seeing

someone like that in such a vulnerable state.

Luisa: Yeah. I've never seen her like this.

Sorry. I...

just I don't understand why she's, we don't even know if the

tumor is cancer, but she's already talking as if there's no

hope.

Margaret: Does that feel reminiscent of your mother?

Luisa: I guess so. My aunt, she actually brought up my mom at

the doctor's appointment, told me about how my mom loved this

Chinese dish that I also loved growing up. I think my mom has

been on her mind. When my aunt was in the hospital after the

seizures, she was groggy, and she kept calling me Sherry, my

mom's name. And then she said some stuff in Mandarin, but I

didn't catch it all.

I've never heard my aunt talk about my mom this much. She even

told me that I'm just like her and that I have the best of her.

She's never said anything like that to me before.

Margaret: What was it like hearing that?

Luisa: Good, I guess. You know what? No. It wasn't good. It's

not good.

The first time I heard someone say that, it was Debra. And when

she said it, I was touched like, wow. I'm like my mom. Despite

everything that happened and spending basically my entire

life without her, I still managed to have a piece of her

within me, ingrained in me this whole time. But I guess I've

never really had to stop and think about all of this, like,

really think about it. My aunt and uncle made sure that I had a

good life, and I have.

I've never had to worry about anything, really. I've always

had a roof over my head, food on the table, a good education.

When I was in high school, I... god, I was friends with this

girl, Katie, and we were in algebra together. And one of the

supplies we needed for this class was a graphing calculator.

And, you know, I I go home with my school supplies list, and no

problem, we go to the store, get my stuff, and that's that.

But then the next time I'm in the algebra class, Katie asked

to borrow my graphing calculator because she didn't have one yet.

Of course, I was totally okay with sharing mine with her, but

then the same thing happens the next class. And I'm thinking,

why won't she just get this calculator already? Does she

need a ride to the store? Anyway, I I didn't wanna make

her feel bad or, like, she couldn't borrow my calculator.

I just didn't want her falling behind in class. So I go home,

and I ask my aunt and uncle if they can give me a ride to a

store so I can buy my friend a graphing calculator with my

allowance. And my uncle's like, hon, you sure about that? I'm

like, yeah, she keeps borrowing mine. I just wanna get one for

her.

And he's like, those calculators are a chunk of change. And I'm

like, okay, how big a chunk? And he says, $90. And naturally, 14

year old me is like $90?! Anyway, it finally dawned on me,

Katie didn't have a graphing calculator because her parents

couldn't afford to buy her one.

Anyway, my auntie drives me over to Circuit City, and she bought

the graphing calculator for Katie. Even though I offered to

use my allowance, she insisted. We go home, and my uncle starts

taking the calculator out of the packaging. And I'm just like,

woah. Woah.

What are you doing? And he's like, we're taking it out of the

package so you can hand it to her in class and tell her that

your uncle had a spare. Don't want her feeling embarrassed. So

I did just that. I went into class and casually handed her

this calculator, said my uncle said she could keep it.

We never talked about it, but I knew she was grateful. And my

aunt and uncle never brought it up. They never expected anything

in return because that's the kind of people they were. That's

the kind of people I've known them to be. My aunt, she has her

moments, but I've always felt loved by them both because they

did.

They loved me. Despite whatever happened between them and my

mom... They loved me. I was on a date recently, and he asked me

about my parents. And I realized when he asked the question, I

thought about my mother. Like, before the tapes, if someone

asked me about my parents, I automatically thought about my

aunt and uncle, talked about my aunt and uncle as if they were

my parents because they were my parents.

But now these tapes have me thinking, like, really thinking

about things, things I don't really wanna think about that

maybe I've been avoiding. So now that I'm allowing myself to go

there, to really go there and think about my mother... You

mentioned in our last session that thing where people can,

like, separate their trauma.

Margaret: Compartmentalization.

Luisa: Yeah. Right.

That.

Margaret: Mhmm.

Luisa: I think maybe that's what I've been doing. I've been

compartmentalizing those thoughts.

Margaret: And what are those thoughts?

Luisa: That my mother left me, that she chose to leave me, and

I'll never know why. I mean, yes, intellectually, I know why.

Things were hard. She was clearly depressed and maybe

undiagnosed postpartum or something, but I don't know why,

how she could do that to her child. So now to hear someone

tell me that I'm just like my mom feels wrong. Yeah. Maybe we

have the same humor, and our mouths move similarly when we

talk.

But at the core of our beings, we couldn't be more different,

because I would never do what she did. Never. In that way, we

are very different, and I think my mom would have wanted that.

She left me knowing that I would go to my aunt and uncle. So I'd

like to think that I have the best of them.

Margaret: Is it possible that you have the best of all of

them?

Luisa: I mean, yeah, of course.

Margaret: Are you still listening to your mother's

tapes?

Luisa: Yes.

Margaret: Pretty regularly?

Luisa: I guess so.

Margaret: You've said that listening to these tapes have

given you a chance to get to know your mom for the first

time.

Having listened to a number of these tapes now, is it possible

that you've had a chance to love your mom? I mean, deeply love

your mom for the first time?

Luisa: Yeah.

Margaret: And

possibly feel resentment towards your mom for the first time?

Luisa: Sure.

Margaret: You've said that for better or for worse, that these

tapes have given you a new perspective, your mother's

perspective on everything.

Right?

Luisa: Mhmm.

Margaret: I wonder what could happen if you gave yourself some

time between those listens to foster your own perspective.

Luisa: You mean taking a break from the tapes?

Margaret: I mean taking time to process. Think of it as hitting

the pause button.

Luisa: Auntie,

uncle. Hello? Anyone here?

Auntie, uncle. Hello? That's not ominous. What the... Auntie? Are

you in the attic?

Patti: Oh, Lulu. Come on. Join me.

Luisa: Okay. What's up with all the horror movie tropes?

Nothing. I'm coming. I don't remember this doorway being so

tiny.

Patti: Oh. What?

Luisa: I just pulled a muscle.

Patti: You need to stretch.

Luisa: I stretch.

Patti: You need to stretch every day.

Luisa: Oh, that's gonna set me back a week.

Patti: I'll show you later how to stretch.

Luisa: I know how to stretch. But, yeah, show me some moves

later. What are you doing up here?

Patti: I'm looking for a box.

Luisa: It seems that you've come to the right place. Jeez. I

forgot we had so much junk up here.

Patti: Not junk. Memories.

Luisa: Debatable. Can I help?

Patti: Sure.

Luisa: Is there a certain kind of box I should be looking for?

Big, small?

Patti: Old.

Luisa: An old box. Okay.

Patti: It's I've been meaning to

Luisa: You okay?

Patti: It it's the medication. Slows me down.

Luisa: Maybe you should slow down. Here. Come sit.

Patti: I'm fine.

Luisa: You're not fine.

Sit down.

You need to rest.

Patti: I will rest. I have

Luisa: How about you rest now? Here. You don't have to do

anything except sit here with me and hold my hand. Okay?

Patti: Okay. I saw your mom last night.

Luisa: Oh.

Patti: In my dreams. She she keeps coming to me.

Luisa: What happens in these dreams?

Patti: I try to talk to her, but she doesn't talk back. Sometimes

she looks like she's going to say something, but but then I

wake up. Lulu, there's so much I should have told you a long time

ago.

Luisa: You can tell me now.

Patti: Me and your mom, we didn't have the easiest lives.

My father, he always struggled. When I was a child, he left

Shanghai to go study in the US, and he never came back.

Luisa: Wait. But I thought you and grandpa came to the US when

you were a teenager.

Patti: No. After my mother died, I came to the US by myself.

Luisa: Oh.

Patti: When my father came to the US, he met a woman, another

student. She was from Vietnam, and they had a baby, your mom.

Your mom and I are half sisters.

Luisa: Shit. Right. So it's possible that I have a

grandmother out there? Why wouldn't you tell me this?

Patti: Because she wasn't a good... when I moved to the US,

I moved in with grandpa and his wife and your mom. It was hard

for all of us. One day, I came home and your grandmother was

gone. She left a note saying she was going back to Vietnam. And

my father wasn't himself ever again. He was diagnosed with

schizophrenia.

And Sherry was so sad all the time. But we tried our best to

take care of him. And then your mom, she got pregnant with you.

And I was surprised, but happy, so happy. And then you came into

the world and changed her and changed me too.

Suddenly, Sherry wanted to go to school and find a new job,

improve her life. Your mom would go to school and uncle and I

would watch you. And I thought things were good and your mom

was okay. But then one day, I got a call at the shop. It was

your mom's friend, Debra.

Debra said she was worried. She told me that Sherry called her,

hysterical. Then your mom told told her that she was seeing

things and hearing things. And then Sherry hung up the phone.

So Debra drove over to check on her, but your mom wasn't there.

So that's why she called me. I tried calling your mom, but she

wasn't answering the phone. She was supposed to come pick you up

that night. So I waited by the door.

Younger Patti: Sherry.

Sherry: Hey.

Younger Patti: How are you?

Sherry: I'm cold. Why are you standing outside?

Younger Patti: I was worried.

Sherry: About?

Patti: That feeling Debra had, I felt it too.

Younger Patti: Sherry, is everything alright?

Sherry: No, I'm exhausted.

Younger Patti: It's okay if you need some help with anything.

It's okay to ask me.

Sherry: I know. Thanks.

Younger Patti: Jim and I can always help you with Luisa.

Sherry: Right. Thanks. Can we talk inside?

It's freezing.

Younger Patti: I think maybe Luisa should stay with us for a

few days.

Sherry: What? Why?

Younger Patti: Because it might be good for you.

Sherry: Why would that be good for me?

Younger Patti: Because you're doing a lot, and you're probably

stressed and tired.

Sherry: Patti, what are you talking about?

Younger Patti: Lu shouldn't be with you when you're like this.

Sherry: When I'm like what?

Sherry: Patti, I'm just fine. Now I would like to come in and

see my child.

Younger Patti: I don't think that's a good idea.

Sherry: Patti, get out of my way.

Younger Patti: No. I can't let you come in.

Sherry: What is this?

Patti, go get my baby.

Younger Patti: No.

Sherry: Okay. Then I'll go get her.

Younger Patti: Sherry, stop.

Sherry: Patti, get out of my way. I swear to fucking god.

Younger Patti: No. Sherry, you need help.

Sherry: Jim!

Jim, go get Luisa and bring her to me.

Younger Jim: I don't think that's a good idea, Sher.

Sherry: What?

Younger Jim: Please, just let us help.

Sherry: You can help me by going and getting me my child. Fuck

you both. Get out of my way.

Younger Jim: Sherry, no.

Sherry: Jim. Jim, let go of me.

Younger Jim: Sherry, please, you're not right in the head.

Sherry: What?

Younger Patti: Don't make me call the police.

Sherry: And tell them what? That you're kidnapping my baby?

Younger Patti: Sherry, I know. I know you're having

hallucinations. Debra told me.

Sherry: I see.

Younger Jim: We're just trying to do what's best, Sher.

You have a history.

Sherry: Oh, don't I know it? I've always been the crazy

little sister. Right, Patti? How convenient for you both.

Younger Patti: Luisa can stay with us until we can get you

help.

Sherry: You mean lock me up in a loony bin? Like you tried to do

with dad?

Younger Patti: I tried to get him help.

Sherry: The fuck you did.

Sherry: Get off me. I'm getting Luisa.

Younger Jim: Sherry, I don't wanna get the police involved.

Sherry: Jim, don't listen to her. You know me.

Larry: Hey, Jim. Everything okay over there?

Younger Jim: Yep. Everything's fine, Larry. Thank you.

Right, Sherry? Everything's fine. There's no need for anyone

else to get involved. Right?

Sherry: Yeah. Right.

Younger Patti: Sherry, we'll get you help. Okay? I promise

everything will be fine.

Patti: The next day, I tried calling her. She didn't pick up.

I kept calling, but she didn't answer the phone for days. So I

went over to the apartment and

Patti: I found I

Patti: found her.

Luisa: You you found her?

Patti: Yes.

Luisa: What... when did you find her?

Patti: A few days after that night.

Luisa: How many days?

Patti: I think three days.

Luisa: Three days. She didn't pick up

the phone for three days and then you decide to finally go

check in on her?

Patti: I thought she wanted space.

Luisa: You said she needed help.

Patti: Yes. But she was angry with me.

Luisa: So you decided to give a woman who you thought was

mentally unwell space because she was mad at you?

Patti: Lu, where are you going?

Luisa: You know, all she ever wanted was your support, your

approval, a sister. That's all my mom ever wanted from you.

Patti: How do you know that?

Luisa: She was struggling, but she would never do anything to

hurt me, and you knew that. But you had to have control, right,

to make yourself feel better for the mistakes your father made.

When she tried to take her life the first time, what did you do

then? That's right. You did nothing.

Patti: Luisa.

Luisa: Oh, I'm so tired of all of the lies and the secrets and

the bullshit to protect me.

Patti: I was trying to protect you.

Luisa: I have spent so many years wondering why my mother

would rather be dead than be here with me.

Patti: I didn't think she would...

I'm sorry.

Luisa: Yeah. Aren't you all.

Patti: Lulu, don't go. Luisa, please come back.

Sherry: Okay.

We're recording, Luisa. Go ahead. Oh, now you're quiet? You

were just talking my ear off. What?

Is the cassette recorder big and scary? Yeah. I know. You don't

wanna be caught saying something incriminating on the record. I

get it.

Babalu, come on. Mama wants to record this so she can keep it

forever. Oh? I see. Can you elaborate?

You done? No more talking? What if I tickle you? Okay. Okay.

Mama gives up. Any parting thoughts before I turn off the

big and scary recorder? No? Nothing? Okay.

You want a snack? How's a banana sound? Yeah. That sounds tasty.

Alright.

I'll get you some banana. [singing] No. No. No. No.

Sherry: No. No. Oh, no. What's the matter, my babalu? What?

Sherry: Mama was just in the kitchen. That's all. You wanna

be with mama? Okay. Let's get you out of here.

[singing] Gonna miss your love. The minute you walk out the

door... Please don't go. Don't go. Don't go away. Please don't

go.

Simone: Yes. Brilliant. Yep. Love this.

Oh

god. Yep. This made me sob uncontrollably. My assistant

will email you all this in a PDF.

Luisa: Yeah. Great.

Simone: Yep. All just tiny notes. Take them with a grain of

salt.

Luisa: Okey doke.

Simone: Luisa, seriously, I sat in bed last night weeping, and

then I burst out laughing again, and then I went some more, and

then I cackled. My husband kept looking at me very concerned.

Luisa: Yeah.

Well, that's the experience I want for the reader.

Simone: And you're doing it, my friend.

Luisa: I'm glad you think so.

Simone: When people think of Gloria, all they ever think of

is this teenage girl who survived the Pine Street

Killings. They don't know about this incredible nuanced life she

had that followed.

Luisa: Exactly.

Simone: The people need to know. This woman went on a freaking

hero's journey and then some.

Luisa: Oh, yeah.

Simone: These pages are coloring in those events vividly.

Luisa: I think so too.

Simone: You are weaving glorious eclectic musings and ramblings

into something cohesive and beautiful and inspiring.

Luisa: Thank you.

Simone: No.

No. Thank you. You did that. You pulled those stories out of her.

None of the former writers on this assignment could do that,

but you did.

Luisa: Well, I guess next time you'll hire me first.

Simone: Without question, my friend. Oh, one last thought for

you.

Luisa: Shoot.

Simone: This is your first memoir. Right?

Luisa: Yes.

Simone: So all good memoirs have an element of suspense. Right?

Luisa: Right.

Simone: Because we wanna draw in the reader, connect with them,

yada yada yada. Right?

Luisa: Yeah. Of course.

Simone: But the most captivating memoirs, the ones that really

stick with us long after we've closed the book, do you know

what they offer the readers? A revelation, a confession,

something that you only find out if you read the book. It's like

a special gift to the reader.

Luisa: Right.

Simone: And it's that divulgence that binds an audience to the

author.

Luisa: Right. Vulnerability.

Simone: Yes. And it's that vulnerability that turns a

memoir into a bestseller. So as you move forward with Gloria,

let's try to find a revelation.

Luisa: She's already been pretty forthcoming. I think if there

was something there to tell, she would have. She doesn't seem

like the type who hides anything.

Simone: Luisa, trust me. We're all hiding something. Sometimes,

we don't even realize it.

Luisa: Ain't that the truth.

Simone: Look. Just keep doing what you're doing. You've

already done the hardest part. You've earned her trust. And

because of that, she talks.

So keep on listening, especially to what she's not saying.

Jim: Hey, sweetheart. I I'm calling you know why I'm

calling. Dear, I hope you know that I... Listen. We love you so

much. So, so much.

And I hope you know that. Please call us back.

Trey: Oh, hallo there. I'm just walking around Munich, and I

ended up strolling past this garment shop. They had some

lederhosen in there. So, I did try on a pair, and you were

right. I have legs for lederhosen, and I'm gonna send

you the proof soon.

Anyway, I miss you a lot. Love to FaceTime or talk whenever. I

know the time difference we can figure out a time. Hope you're

taking care of yourself, you know. Don't beat yourself up.

Writing comes when it comes.

Sherry: I want to be the sweet thought that crosses your mind

and remains there, but I am not wanted. I want to be a bird in

formation with a soaring echelon, but I am not wanted. I

want to set fire to this mediocre world just to see what

awaits me in the next one, but I am not wanted. I am not wanted.

I am not wanted.

Yep. That'll do.

Funny enough, my baby girl suddenly made me feel like I was

sane. She's sensing it too.

Along the trail, we saw this beautiful lizard of some sort...

...kill those fucking shitheads.

Andy: I I don't know. I guess I'm surprised or proud of

myself, I guess, that I didn't allow myself to slip down the

rabbit hole. I think a lot of you guys know how easily I can

get caught up. Yeah. Yeah.

Y'all know y'all know me. I just I don't know. In that moment, I

became conscious of my heart, like my actual heart. It was

pounding out of control, and and it's it's as if I could hear

Terrence's voice in my head. Terrence used to say, you know,

Andy, you've got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana

peel.

And he he always tried to set me straight, but I couldn't hear

about it. I don't believe in an afterlife. I I I like the idea

of it, but if I'm being honest, I don't believe we go anywhere

after this. But I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong, not

just because I wanna see him again, but because I would like

him to see the progress that I've made, especially on days

like yesterday where I could've let my anger overtake me.

I hope he knows that I'm listening now. Thanks,

everybody.

Bobbi: Thank you for sharing, Andy.

Luisa: Hi. I'm Luisa. You can call me Lu. People call me Lu.

This is my first time coming to one of these.

My therapist recommended this group. I'm here because my

mother took her life when I was very young, and my family was

super secretive and ashamed about it, so I grew up not

really knowing much about her. But, a few months ago, I was

given these tapes, these audio journal tapes that my mom

recorded, which was the most incredible gift I could have

ever received. Hearing her voice for the first time, hearing her

laugh, hearing her hum. The woman loved to hum. Anyway, it's

been amazing, but it's also been hard, really hard. So much so

that I took all the tapes and dropped them off at my best

friend's house a few days ago because I need a break from

them, and I don't trust myself to do that.

Probably because I've never processed my mom's death or

learned how to. And, god, I have no excuse. Just googling this

group alone brought up so many resources, resources that I wish

my mom could have had. So, yeah, I'd like to learn how to deal

with all of this even if it's just to hear her voice again.

Credits: Babalu was created, written, and produced by me,

Kimberly Truong.

Directed by Katharine Chen Lerner. Sound design, editing,

and mixing by Charles Moody. With performances by Christine

Liao, Kathleen Gray, Lee Chen, Eileen Hsi, Adam Bozarth,

Matthew Kimbrough, Chriselle Almeida, Circus Szalewski, Greg

Smith, Dennis Pearson, Vee Kumari, and Kimberly Truong.

Theme music by Edith Mudge. Additional music by Manish

Ayachit.

Studio recording by Parker Silzer and David Stern. Artwork

by Gabi Hawkins. Logo by Alex Bruno. A very special thank you

to Liesl Lafferty and the Firecracker Department. Mari

Meyer, Peter Byrnes, Victoria LaVilla, Brandon Beardsley,

Hillary and the boys, Katie McCuen, and our incredible

Kickstarter backers.

Babalu is a production of Uneasy Tiger. For more info or to

support this series, follow UneasyTiger on Instagram or

TikTok or visit uneasytiger.com. If you or someone you know is

struggling with suicidal thoughts, please dial 988 or

visit 988lifeline.org for resources and support.