Babalu - Episode 106: Guardians and Angels

BABALU — EPISODE 106: GUARDIANS AND ANGELS

NARRATOR: The following series addresses sensitive topics including self harm and suicide. Listener discretion is advised.

TIGER OPENING: Uneasy Tiger.

DR. MILES: So right here in the left frontal lobe, that's where the tumor is sitting.

JIM: I see.

DR. MILES: So you haven't noticed any changes to your health before the seizure? Like anything with your mood or behavior?

JIM: Oh, nothing too out of the ordinary. What do you think?

PATTI: I don't know.

LUISA: I mean, there was... I don't know.

DR. MILES: Tumors in that area of the brain can cause mood changes. Confusion, irritability, aggression, that sort of thing. This may not be the case for you, Mrs. Hillman, but keep an eye out.

PATTI: Okay.

DR. MILES: Next step is getting you in with the neurosurgeon, who will likely recommend surgery to find out exactly what the tumor is. Depending on whether it's cancerous or not will determine everything else.

LUISA: So the tumor could be benign?

DR. MILES: Yes. A tumor doesn't necessarily mean cancer.

JIM: Okay. Good.

DR. MILES: If it is cancer, you'll be referred to an oncologist who will let you know your treatment options. Could be chemo, could be radiation, maybe both. The neurosurgeon and oncologist will fill in the gaps. In the meantime, you'll want to watch out for any new symptoms, anything out of the norm.

JIM: Right.

DR. MILES: I'll have the receptionist schedule you in with the neurosurgeon.

JIM: Yes. Good. Thank you.

DR. MILES: Any questions for me?

PATTI: No. I'm fine.

DR. MILES: Of course. If you think of anything, just call the office. I'm happy to answer any questions about the MRI and what we went over today.

JIM: Yes. Sure thing.

LUISA: Thank you.

DR. MILES: Take care.

JIM: Okay. Well, okay. What do you think, hon?

PATTI: I'm a little thirsty.

LUISA: Let me go get you something.

JIM: No. I'll go. You stay here.

PATTI: Jim, apple juice.

JIM: Sure.

LUISA: I have a bottle of water on me. You want some?

PATTI: No. Thank you. I want something sweet.

LUISA: Okay. Well, let me know if you need anything.

PATTI: I don't need anything, Lulu, except for you to sit here with me and hold my hand.

LUISA: Okay.

PATTI: Lulu, don't tell anyone about this, about my condition. Okay?

LUISA: Why does it matter if anyone--

PATTI: Okay?

LUISA: Okay.

PATTI: I want you to make sure that uncle is okay when I'm gone. Okay?

LUISA: Auntie, why are you even think

PATTI: Okay?

LUISA: Okay.

PATTI: Tomorrow, come over for dinner. It's been a long time since I've cooked for you.

LUISA: I don't think you should be on your feet like that.

PATTI: Did the doctor say that I can't cook?

LUISA: Technically, no.

PATTI: Lulu, I'm fine. I can cook for my family. I'll make your favorite.

LUISA: Stinky tofu?

PATTI: Yes. Your mom loved stinky tofu.

LUISA: Yeah?

PATTI: Yeah. She loved my cooking.

LUISA: I bet.

PATTI: She hated cooking.

LUISA: Well, cooking's hard. It takes skill.

PATTI: You're just like her.

LUISA: We're both bad cooks?

PATTI: You know what I mean.

LUISA: I think I do.

PATTI: You have the best of her. I hope she sees everything you become. Dan dan noodles. I'll make dan dan noodles and stinky tofu. You like that?

LUISA: I would love that, auntie.

GLORIA: And the worst part is feeling that feeling again, that feeling of dread, the tiniest thing would spark it, and I didn't know how to cope. So I did anything I could to run away from it. Alcohol, heroin, literally running away with anyone who would let me tag along. It's any wonder I'm still here, but I am. Meditation saved me. It taught me that peace, real peace up here and in here was a practice. Anyway, maybe about thirteen, fourteen years after the attack, I was at Ralph's, you know, just picking up some groceries. I was going down the soup aisle, and next thing I know, I hear this. I look up, and it's this teenage boy. He was coming down the aisle, and he stepped through this dried up spill. And with every step, I could hear his converse sticking and unsticking to the floor. Suddenly, my ears started ringing. And then I must have blacked out. Next thing I know, this woman is looking down at me. I looked behind her, and there are boxes upon boxes, and all of them said, Green Giant frozen peas. I was in the stockroom in the back of the store. I feel like I blinked, and a dozen Ralph's employees or spectators showed up. They're all having a fuss. Is she on crack? Should we call 911? She might be dangerous. Turns out that lady found me hiding, curled up in, like, a catatonic state. The mind is a trip, The things it will do to protect its vessel.

LUISA: It's remarkable.

GLORIA: How is it that of all the things that that's the thing that brings me right back? A sound, the sound of my attacker nonchalantly strolling through pools of blood on my family's kitchen floor like he was taking a walk through the park. I I could feel every step he took. He wore these heavy boots. I was face down on the floor, but my head was turned towards the cabinet wall. I think he thought I was dead because he circled around me for a few minutes. And then he just stood there over me for what felt like eternity. Finally, he walked out into the hallway, but I couldn't hear him anymore. The rest of the house was carpeted. So I waited a few minutes before I decided it was safe to try to open my eyes. But when I did, all I could see was red. It was my blood. So I kept blinking, you know, to clear my eyes. I was blinking and blinking while trying to remain still. I I had no idea if he was still in the house. But finally, my eyes were starting to clear up, and as my vision came into focus, I could see something on the floor beneath one of the cabinets. It was a Smurf, one of those little Smurf figurine toys. My brother collected them. He loved the Smurfs. It was his favorite thing. He was so proud of his collection. But half the time, they'd wind up on the floor, and I'd step on one and hurt my foot, and I'd make a point to find him, yell at him for leaving his stupid smirks all over the place. No matter how loud I yelled, he'd just ignore me and continue playing. Sometimes I'd grab him just so he'd have to look at me, And when he did, he would grin like a Cheshire cat, as if to say, sis, what's the big damn deal? So there I am, lying on that kitchen floor with this Smurf. I I could feel the life draining out of me as I'm staring at this Smurf who's staring up at the ceiling. He had a helmet on his head and a spear in his hand and this mean look on his face. I I don't know how, but I managed to get up off the floor. It was slow, and I struggled, but I got up. A few weeks later, the police took me over to the house. I didn't want to go, but I needed to get some things. And when I walked by the kitchen, it was just spick and span, like nothing ever happened. And then I remembered my friend. I looked down underneath that cabinet, and sure enough, that Smurf was still lying there, looking up. And for some reason, his face didn't have that mean look anymore. Wait. What? Yeah. His face his face looked like he was at peace.

LUISA: No way.

GLORIA: Yes way. Some things you just can't explain.

LUISA: How do you how do you deal with that, the unknown? Earlier, you mentioned finding peace. Does that peace include not knowing, you know, who did this and why they did this?

GLORIA: It depends on the day. It really depends on the day. He was so proud of his collection. But half the time, they'd wind up on the floor, and I I was blinking and blinking while trying to remain still. I I I had no idea if he was still in the house.

LUISA: Shit. Is it already how is it already 06:30? Coming. One sec. Who is it?

TREY: Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. Nice.

LUISA: Hey. You're not Nick Carter.

TREY: Sorry to disappoint.

LUISA: It's no disappointment. It's good to see you.

TREY: It's good to see you.

LUISA: Thanks for bringing over dinner.

TREY: Oh, good. Glad we can make this happen. I I didn't wanna interrupt your flow.

LUISA: Flow. That's sweet. There's nothing flowing about my writing process, but here, let me get us some bowls and stuff. You want anything to drink? Sparkling water? I also have these peach ciders.

TREY: Oh, I'll take one of them ciders, please.

LUISA: You got it. So you excited for your trip to Deutschland?

TREY: Oh, yeah. Egg roll? Yes, please.

LUISA: Is it all work, or will you have some time for play?

TREY: My German colleagues usually show me a good time. So

LUISA: Sounds Wunderbar.

TREY: It's a good group of folks.

LUISA: Hey. Next time I see you, are you gonna be wearing one of those what are they called? The traditional German outfit with, like, the suspenders and the short?

TREY: Leiderhosen?

LUISA: Yeah. Leiderhosen.

TREY: As much as I love Germany, I cannot say that I love the Leiderhosen look.

LUISA: What?

TREY: Not a fan.

LUISA: Oh, but I think you'd look so cute. No?

TREY: I I don't think I have the legs for it.

LUISA: Have you ever tried on a pair?

TREY: No.

LUISA: Then how do you know that you don't have legs for lederhosen?

TREY: You've got me there.

LUISA: Maybe try on a pair this time and send me a pic.

TREY: Oh, yeah?

LUISA: Yeah.

LUISA: You'll be in Munich the whole time?

TREY: Yep.

LUISA: And you get to go there a few times a year?

TREY: Yep.

LUISA: Jealous. I need to get out of this country and go see more of the world.

TREY: Well, let's make that happen.

LUISA: Ready when you are.

TREY: So weird thing happened with my boss today. We were talking about action items for my trip, and then he just nonchalantly asks me, would you wanna relocate?

LUISA: Oh my god. To Munich? Yeah. What'd you say?

TREY: I asked if he was being serious. He was. And I said, thank you. I'm just not sure I'm at that place in life right now. Yeah. Maybe if I was younger, but Roger Murtaugh said, I'm too old for this shit.

LUISA: Okay. You are not old. Also, you love Munich.

TREY: Doesn't mean I need to live there.

LUISA: But, Trey, you shouldn't just like that kind of offer, that's, like, once in a lifetime.

TREY: Sure. There are other things that are once in a lifetime, like this incredible egg roll.

LUISA: Right.

TREY: Oh, how's your aunt doing?

LUISA: Oh, she's doing better.

TREY: So the seizure was just a random thing?

LUISA: They're looking into it. She's home now.

TREY: So uh, good news. And this aunt is your mom's sister. Right?

LUISA: Yeah.

TREY: Your mom, does she live nearby?

LUISA: Oh, I've been meaning to... I've been meaning to go check in on her.

TREY: It's good that you're all so close.

LUISA: Right.

TREY: Could I get the fish sauce?

LUISA: Yeah.

SHERRY: Not my family, not anyone at the hospital ever asked me why I tried to swallow a bottle of pills, and we never spoke of it again. I think the only thing more shocking than Debra being the first person to ask me that question is that I answered honestly. I said, not right now.

DEBRA: Hello there.

LUISA: Hey, Debra.

DEBRA: Good to hear from you.

LUISA: I'm so sorry. It's taking me a minute to get back to you. There's it it's been a rough week.

DEBRA: Oh, what's going on?

LUISA: It it's, you know, same old work, life, the whole shebang. Anyway, I've been meaning to call you, but

DEBRA: Please do not worry.

LUISA: I know. But I I really I wanted to tell you just how much it means to me that you read my manuscript. That alone is such a kindness.

DEBRA: I couldn't put it down.

LUISA: That means a lot. I mean, really. Okay. Well, this memoir project, you know, it it it's got me all kinds of nervous. I mean, it it's going well, but do you ever feel like you're not enough or or or doing...

DEBRA: All the time.

LUISA: Yeah.

DEBRA: What what's making you feel that way with this project?

LUISA: I don't know. When I talk to people about this memoir, the first thing they say is, oh, the girl from the Pine Street killings? And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard for me to reconcile that it's the same person. You know? Like, when I look at Gloria, I don't see a victim. I just see Gloria doing her thing, making me coffee, telling me wild ass stories, living her life. I sometimes, though, when we're chatting, she'll turn her head a certain way, and I will see the scar from where her throat was cut. And then, of course, I'm like, oh. Oh, yeah. Shit. But otherwise, you would never know. You would never know that she was that girl who survived probably one of the most horrific things anyone could ever experience, but yet she did. And she somehow managed to find a reason to keep going.

DEBRA: That's... yep. That's very admirable.

LUISA: Yeah. It is. She's inspiring, and I'm just nervous because I I wanna do her story justice. You know?

DEBRA: You are, and you will.

LUISA: Thanks, Debra.

DEBRA: Sherry would be so proud.

LUISA: Yeah. Right.

JORDAN: Yeah. I wasn't planning on staying so long, but I figured, shit. The flight's so long. I might as well be out here for a few weeks. Rei and Ronnie have been good hosts too.

LUISA: I bet.

JORDAN: But I'm starting to tweak a bit. I'm really missing my Italian food. Can you tell me why there aren't any good Italian spots here?

LUISA: Sorry? What?

JORDAN: Can you tell me why there aren't any good Italian spots here?

LUISA: No. I heard you. I just have no idea what you're talking about.

JORDAN: Name a good Italian spot. Man, I am really digging this song.

LUISA: Oh, what kind of Italian? There's, like, all kinds.

JORDAN: No. No. No. Name one good Italian spot. Do you know who sings this song?

LUISA: No.

JORDAN: I'm gonna Shazam it. Seriously, though. Name one good Italian spot.

LUISA: Or you could go outside and throw a rock and see which incredible Italian restaurant it lands on.

JORDAN: See? You can't name a spot. Do you like music?

LUISA: Do I like music?

JORDAN: Yeah. Do you like music?

LUISA: Of course, I like music. What kind of crazy ass question is that?

REINA: Hello, friends. Hello. Hello. Pipe down, Jordan.

JORDAN: I wasn't even saying anything.

RONNIE: Everyone shut up for a second.

REINA: Thank you so, so much for coming to our little housewarming party. We are overjoyed to have all of our friends and family here, and so we have a little surprise for everyone.

JORDAN: I hope it's cowboy hats.

LUISA: What?

JORDAN: I hope that we're getting cowboy hats.

RONNIE: The surprise is in the backyard, so everyone head out there now. Now, please go. Go on. Get!

JORDAN: They put cowboy hats outside?

RONNIE: Keep it moving.

REINA: And we're walking outside. All of us. All of us. Oh, Luisa and Jordan. Wait. Stay there. Listen. Ronnie and I need some help with a surprise. Jordan, can you meet him outside? He'll give you the deets.

JORDAN: Alright. See you out there.

LUISA: Reina, this sequin suit on you is incredible.

REINA: I know. Thank you.

LUISA: Also, you're right. Jordan is hella annoying.

REINA: I know. Thank you. Try having him stay at your place for two weeks.

LUISA: The guy said he's never had good Italian in LA. Like, sir, are you okay?

REINA: He's not okay. Speaking of, are you okay?

LUISA: I'm happy to be here.

REINA: I know it's been a weird everything. So I just want you to know that I am so grateful that you came out tonight, seriously.

LUISA: Rei, I wouldn't have missed it.

REINA: Well, I wouldn't have let you.

LUISA: My point exactly.

REINA: For real, I needed you here tonight.

LUISA: To carry out this mysterious surprise? Am I passing out cowboy hats? Jordan said he hoped the surprise was cowboy hats.

REINA: What? No. It's not no.

LUISA: He's a space cadet.

REINA: A real Major Tom.

LUISA: Mhmm. So what do you need?

REINA: So I need you to okay. Let me rewind for a second. You know that I don't talk to my dad and my mom... She's no longer with us. So I wanted to ask you if you would walk me down the aisle, you know, at my wedding.

LUISA: You being serious?

REINA: The most serious.

LUISA: I mean, of of course. Wait. Are you engaged?

REINA: Yes.

LUISA: When did that happen?

REINA: A few months ago.

LUISA: And you didn't tell me?

REINA: I couldn't.

LUISA: Why?

REINA: Because then this wouldn't have been a surprise.

LUISA: This? What what do you what do you mean, this?

REINA: This gathering tonight wouldn't have been a surprise. Lu, this isn't just a housewarming party for Ronnie and I. It's also our wedding. Surprise. And in about sixty seconds, I would like for you, my sister from another mister who I love with all my heart and soul, to walk me down the aisle. And by aisle, I mean, through those patio doors into the backyard and give me away to the man I love with all of my heart and soul.

LUISA: This is happening right now?

REINA: Yeah. Also, when I say give me away, I mean, like, in a nontransactional feminist, but still romantic way.

LUISA: Of course. Oh my god.

REINA: What?

LUISA: My best friend is getting married.

REINA: Oh my god.

LUISA: What?

REINA: I am getting married. You ready?

LUISA: Are you?

REINA: Yes. Take me to my man, sissy.

LUISA: You got it, sissy.

JORDAN: Can I top off your drink?

LUISA: Oh my god. You scared me.

JORDAN: Sorry. May I interest you in some champagne?

LUISA: Yeah. I'd love some champagne. What?

JORDAN: Your eyes are hella puffy. Like... So puffy.

LUISA: Because I cried my weight in tears, you freaking jerk.

JORDAN: Yeah. You did. I thought it was sweet, though. Truly.

LUISA: I'm a sucker for weddings. I knew Rei didn't wanna go the traditional route, but, man, I didn't expect this.

JORDAN: So you didn't know anything?

LUISA: No. Did you?

JORDAN: Wasn't on my radar at all.

LUISA: How did it feel seeing your best friend get married out of the blue?

JORDAN: Inspiring.

LUISA: Inspiring?

JORDAN: Yeah. Ronnie and Reina, they're out here living their best lives, doing what they want when they want. It's inspiring.

LUISA: Yeah.

JORDAN: How about you? What was it like seeing your best friend get married like that?

LUISA: Well, of course, shocking at first, then touching, like, very touching, then a little heartbreaking.

JORDAN: Heartbreaking?

LUISA: Yeah. You know that moment you realize things are gonna change, not necessarily for the worst, but they're going to change, and that's that.

JORDAN: Well, cheers to that.

LUISA: Cheers to that.

JORDAN: Incredible.

LUISA: What?

JORDAN: So many planes in the sky here all the time. Every night I come out here and look up, planes.

LUISA: Well, when LAX is in your backyard, it's not exactly great for stargazing.

JORDAN: Stars are cool, but I don't mind looking up and seeing planes, thinking about all those people up there coming and going.

LUISA: Have you been to the In N Out next to LAX?

JORDAN: No.

LUISA: Oh, oh my god. It's incredible. It's... okay. So it's In N Out. It's literally right off the tarmac. So you just see these planes flying in, and it they're so close. It just it feels like you can reach up and touch them.

JORDAN: Shit.

LUISA: It's a trip.

JORDAN: Sounds amazing.

LUISA: It is, highly recommend.

JORDAN: Yeah. Maybe, next time I'm in town.

LUISA: Oh, when do you leave?

JORDAN: Tomorrow.

LUISA: Oh, so that's gonna be you up in the sky very soon.

JORDAN: Yep. Looking down.

LUISA: Aw. On the city you despise so much. I guess you're stoked to go home.

JORDAN: Yeah. I don't know. I'm starting to like it here.

LUISA: Yeah? Even though there's no good Italian here.

JORDAN: Listen. Make a trip out to Jersey, and I'll show you decent Italian.

LUISA: Bene.

JORDAN: Oh, fire's dying.

LUISA: Story of my life.

JORDAN: Bazinga. Want me to throw some wood on?

LUISA: No. I should probably not be antisocial and return to the party. Okay. Wait. How bad are my eyes?

JORDAN: They're not bad.

LUISA: The puffiness is gone?

JORDAN: No.

LUISA: So they still look bad?

JORDAN: No. Your eyes are puffy, but they're still beautiful.

LUISA: Oh, okay. Thanks.

JORDAN: After you.

SHERRY: That was loud. So I think I made a friend. Not sure how that happened, but there's this woman in my psych class who's been chatting my head off. Debra. She's cool. She talks a lot, but she's cool. She gave me this party horn today. Said it was a little gift for me for Chinese New Year. Last week, I told her that Chinese New Year was coming up and she asked me a bunch of questions. Why is it different than regular New Year? What does it mean? Do you have a countdown? A party? How do you celebrate? Freaking chatty Cathy that one. Anyway, I answered her million and one questions and said that I don't really celebrate much of anything. So then today, I come into class and she hands me this party horn with a note attached. "Happy Chinese New Year, Sherry. May you have good health and good fortune. And just a friendly reminder, any day is worth celebrating." I can't tell if this woman is just really nice or if she's trying to kill me. Whatever. Get in line, Debra. What else? Oh, yes. The other night at the bar, some jackass was talking nonsense. He kept asking me weird shit. "What's happened? What ails you? Is something weighing on your soul?" I kept trying to laugh it off because, you know, he was clearly shit faced. And it's not the first time some drunk talk gibberish to me, but he kept his eyes locked on me even though I was like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay. So finally, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And for a moment, his face turned stoic and lucid as if I didn't just witness him pound eight beers. And he says, "Such a beautiful face, but so much sadness behind it." Last night, I had my nightmare again. It's been a while, so I guess I was due for one. But in this one, he was chasing me down the street I grew up on. I'm running towards my childhood house and as I get closer, I can see a figure, an angelic figure standing there almost floating, reaching out her arms to me. So I run even faster, and it's as if my feet aren't even touching the ground, I'm running so fast, everything's a blur, but then I look back and he's still there, hot on my heels. He's so close that I can see the drool going down his chin. I can see the stubble on his ugly face. He's panting like a rabid dog, eyes locked on me. I finally turn away from him and back towards my house and I can still see the angelic figure. But as I get closer, I can start to make out a face. It's my mom. And she's telling me, "Come home, Sherry. Come home." I'm breathing so hard that I can barely make out the words, "I am." And finally after running for what felt like forever, my feet touched down on my yard, and my mother's face comes into clear view. And I reach out my arms for her, and as we're about to embrace, I feel his hands wrap around my neck, yanking me back and I wake up. Babalu's gonna get a kick out of this. People say when you become a mother, everything changes. You change. Debra said it transformed her, made her a better person. I wonder when all of that kicks in. Even when I was pregnant, no one told me that I had that glow. I still can't believe I'm a mother. Who let that happen? The first few months were really hard. Babalu wouldn't latch on to me. Didn't matter how hungry she was. She didn't want any of mother's milk. You'd think my tits were secreting poison. We're learning about major depressive disorder in class. My professor said that it's likely that more of us are walking around with this disorder than we know. Yeah, no shit. What's not to be depressed about? See, this horn gets it.

NARRATOR: Babalu was created, written, and produced by me, Kimberly Truong. Directed by Katharine Chen Lerner. Sound design, editing, and mixing by Charles Moody. With performances by Christine Liao, Circus Szalewski, Lee Chen, Jaxy Boyd, Greg Smith, Ruby Marez, Rishi Arya, Joy Brunson, Varda Appleton, Matt Catanzano, and Kimberly Truong. Theme music by Edith Mudge. Additional music by Manish Ayachit. Studio recording by Parker Silzer and David Stern. Artwork by Gabi Hawkins. Logo by Alex Bruno. A very special thank you to Liesl Lafferty and the Firecracker Department, Mari Meyer, Peter Byrnes, Victoria LaVilla, Brandon Beardsley, Hillary and the boys, Katie McCuen, and our incredible Kickstarter backers. Babalu is a production of Uneasy Tiger. For more info or to support this series, follow UneasyTiger on Instagram or TikTok or visit uneasytiger.com. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please dial 988 or visit 988lifeline.org for resources and support.